I wanna know what love is

A wise person said to me that, when in doubt, I should write…funny that. Telling me to write! It's something I should know but sometimes you forget the things that, you should know, help you the most. So I stole a title of a song I listened to while growing up, as my subject. I think there are a million songs written with that sentiment in mind but there are just a lucky few who get to find out the answer to that question. So, any words of wisdom? Anyone who listens to my songs will know I am an expert on messing love up! We have all had a broken heart…haven't we? Or do I just think that it's normal?! I'm not here for a pity party. In fact I abhore pity. I say it very matter-of-factly. I am one of many who have suffered a broken heart. I don't get any awards for that. What I get is a lesson learned, that I can carry away with me and use it to protect myself from future hurts…right? One would think… And yet, here I sit, on a Monday evening, alone at home nursing a bruised heart again. At 32 years of age you would think my heart would have taken the lesson and run with it and recognised hurt before it manifested itself as the living, breathing thing currently staring me in the face. Hurt comes in many forms, I have realised. It consumes you emotionally, physically and spiritually. And you don't quite know which one to feel first. I guess you don't really get that choice. It's an onslaught you are fairly powerless to stop. But, being an old hand at this game, I know how to run with it. The problem comes in when every situation involves a completely different scenario. There is always something new to face and, currently, I find myself facing unfamiliar territory. Oh well, all this adds character and strength. One has to wonder, how much character and strength is necessary in life, really? I think some of us must've put in a request before we graced the world with our presence saying "I would like to have as much character and strength as it is possible to have in this life, before I die!" I have to laugh. What else can one do? There are worse thing that could happen. There are terrible things happening in the world. If you just keep reminding yourself of that, it makes your problems seem miniscule…right? But it's all relative isn't it? No matter how much you KNOW that life could be worse, and it is sometimes, it doesn't make you feel better knowing that! Because, right now, at this very moment, nobody else is feeling what you're feeling and that is possibly the loneliest place to be. Lonelier still when you don't really know how to allow the pain room to breathe. Easier to downplay it. And so I shall, because ignorance is bliss and what I dont know, can't hurt me. Some call me cynical. Hell, I call me cynical! The thing is, when you confide, in someone, your deepest, darkest hurts and secrets, and they use them as examples of ways to hurt you, you are in danger of becoming cynical. But the world is full of predators and how can one KNOW? How can a person be such a bad judge of character? Was it such a bad thing to believe that the world actually DID have good people in it? I don't think "wiser" is the right word to use for describing what happens as you get older. I think cynical and jaded are far more appropriate. And are those necessarily bad things if they can protect you from future hurt? The thing is, I AM one of those idiotic people who believe everyone is inherently good. And even if you hurt me unbelievably badly I will still give you a safe place to sleep and feel compelled to protect you somehow. Even though I can barely look you in the eye. Self-preservation is strong at the point where pain and confusion cross the line of reason and walk all over you heart. Enough. I am hurt, yes. But I will wake up tomorrow morning and I will do the day, and do it with the attention and focus it deserves because I must and I can and I would never let anyone have that kind of power over me that I would do a half-assed job. When you meet a person you think you could come home to, and they pull the rug out from under you so that you carry bruises for weeks, months, the only thing that you can do is pick yourself up, laugh at your clumsiness and walk away with your head held high. I didn't get this far by letting other's mistakes affect my life and I am not about to start. I still don't know what love is. Being who I am, believe it or not, makes it a little more challenging. Love and obsession and fanaticism blur at times and I can't always distinguish between them. But with time everything gets easier and I know I will get better at it. I do know that loving someone makes you loathe to ever want to hurt them. However, hurt them, you will. But I don't think it will ever be intentional. (Maybe that's just me?) The minute you cross the line of hurt from emotional to physical, it crosses the line from love and goes to obsession and that's when it's time to walk away. Even I know that. I don't think I need help. I don't think my past, bad relationships have made me "difficult" and if you dare to say that you will be crossed off my list. I believe they have made me aware of what I don't need or want in my life and I believe we all have that right, to say, and know, what we need and don't need in our lives and NOBODY has the right to question that. This never turns out how I plan it. It has nothing to do with music. But I have a feeling a song will result from it all. I do know I'm not the first person to feel like this and I dare you to disagree with me. Tomorrow I may feel differently (though I doubt it) and that is my prerogative;) Right now, this is how I feel and so this is what you get! But sitting here in my house, with my cats at my feet and a bunch of fabulous friends who have saved my life on many occasions, I still have so much to be grateful for and nothing is as bad as all that. Tomorrow is another day and I will face it head on, because that is what you do and I wouldn't have it any other way!